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Faerysoul has been a carefull journey into unknown lands for me, a form of self expression and reflection I could have never imagined to work so well, hence, reach and touch so many people. This is the reset button. Everything is going to stay the same- and change a lot simultaneously. Like a weapon builder who still builds the same armour, but this time, stronger. Better. More refined.
I am a human being. I change and grow a lot, I walk through odds, I hurt, and I love. A lot. I have always felt like I do not belong in the world that lies in front of me, and my spiritual journey has been of great help for me to rediscover my forgotten gifts and that I am, in fact, worthy.
I wrote about it here, in my cozy corner, because I wanted to show myself to the world and share my love – a form of impersonal appreciation for the humanness inside- with you- whoever you might be. Shame kept me from tying the bonds together more clearly, and to be more exact about what I feel inside. Yes, I wrote about paganism, about the forest, about my love for the ancient and my belief in the divine- but I never properly tied them together into a carefully composed picture.
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I want to share with you my life experiences and the knowledge I gained from it. I have always felt that there is something different than our purely material world, and I always sensed something around and inside of me that was inherintely lightful, playful and joyous, even when all odds seemed against me and the harshness and coldness of the world around threatened to strangle me. This inner path was what guided me through it all and brought me to the place I am now. I have gazed into the human abyss for more than once in my life, and surviving deepest inner and outer havoc helped me to realize that there is something that remains unharmed through everything.
I feel the divine. I feel GOD or GODDESS or however you want to call him/her inside of me, reminding me so fiercly of love, and strength. Sometimes I get messages, not as in “having thoughts in my head”, but as holistic information that always tie in perfectly to what I need at the very moment. I did have a long look into the esoteric world, with all of its superficiality and found that the only thing that counts between crystals and angel cards is the wish to follow ones own heart and to love, oneself, the others, creation and God. And to start accepting the part inside of oneself that does not fit this honourable sounding picture, the one that is angry, fears, hates and looks for its own personal gain. You know, everything you wouldn’t wish to let your followers know, because it doesn’t look good.
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And through all the mistakes and the not so glamorous humanness of my own experience, my greatest wish is to be an embodiment of the divine and its unconditional love. But as much as I love the modern, spiritual world with all of its grand (and sometimes nonsensicaly dangerous) information, there seems to be something missing for me. It seems like spirituality is heavly impacted by eastern religious aspects, and as fine as it is, it has never felt inherintely right for me personally.
I cannot help myself, I am simply a pagan. My heart jumps with joy whenever it gets a glimpse of Thors hammer, or Cernunnos antlers. I talk to the Goddess and Odin, think about runes and trees and nothing lights my spirits up more than listening to that old, pagan music, even though it’s nothing more than an intuitive interpretation of what once might have been. Whenever I stand in complete awarness I feel a deepness to myself and the world, one that is beautifully dark and rustic. A world without dark forests, autumn and winters would leave a hole inside of me.
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I want to take what I have always felt- this joyous lightness inside of me, the part of the divine that expresses itself through me- and cloth it into the fabric of the pagan energies. When I look at our modern world, I see people living a rootless life, and I feel that we need the connection to our roots again. Finding the connection to the beauty of the past may heal many, however, the approach is to take the good and leave out whatever does not fit the future we want to build.
Spirituality so often lacks a healthy amount of self-respect and the courage to say no, I don’t want this and yes, I am angry today so please leave me alone. Being loving has been portrayed too often as a weak energy of giving without taking back, of serving the other without serving yourself, of letting your needs and desires be swept under the rug for the purpose of “serving” and “being good”.
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I believe by taking the stubbornness and strength of the old pagan energies, we may reclaim an identity thread that has been taken from us when the dogmatic catholic religion wiped out a whole cultural identity and taught us to be “good people” by going against our innermost needs. I want us to be stubborn again, and quirky, and a little self-righteous, and accepting of everything that does not fit the “holier than thou” ideal we have been taught everywhere.
This is why I write, this is what is important to me. And there is no other name that could be more fitting than “faerysoul”- with the word “faery” being written the way it is because it feels more grounded in wood and less pop-cultural than “fairy”.
↟☾↟ And this time I am going to be clear that this is what I have always felt throughout my life, but as a simple aknowledgemeant, a statement of facts. There is no need in screaming it all over the rooftops. I am no more special than anyone else, because being special is nothing less than finding your hearts desire and follow it. Every human can do it, and this is why I want to talk, to offer a certain type of energy to those who might feel drawn to it.
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(C) foto: Jasmin Wolkenstadt