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reflecting the childhood self
For as long as I can remember, there was this inherent feeling that I was supposed to share my love and help wherever I could. My natural inclination was to accept others the way they were and to spread kindness. Every time I met a human being, there was a secret bubble of joy and happiness inside of my chest.
I was feeling a strong connection to the other and was happy to witness their existence, like you would with a flower on the sidewalk. It was the souls pure light that I could feel so well. But soon I found myself in a constant state of cognitive dissonance: The deep, bubbly happiness that rose in my chest was soon challenged by dark patterns and abusive behaviour committed by the persona.
And suddenly, I experienced the need to withdraw, to run away, and I even started to judge and think ill of others. I was torn between these two extremes. My affinity be of service was tormented by the abuse that I experienced and the way other people exploited my naivety.
I was ashamed for being secretly furious at the people who kept hurting me, as it went against what I originally felt to be my nature. I could not make sense of the mixed messages that I perceived: My empathy told me that everyone was beautiful and worthy of love and that all I wanted was to squeeze them in one tight embrace, while my sense of survival told me to shut off and run. I never understood what that meant. Did I love other people? Or did the negative emotions proof that I was fooling myself?
the missing link
Human beings are very unique in their life experiences, thought forms and memories, and sometimes, there is a dark clutter of dust about them that makes you turn away. Maybe because you sense something unhealthy, very sad or toxic about them.
Maybe the person thinks a lot of dark thoughts or represses their emotions frequently. From my personal experience, people who have a vibe about them that is not “pleasant” to be around with, have lost their alignment to their soul and heart to at least some degree. Maybe they even show behaviour that expresses this lack of alignment. And it might happen that you feel ashamed for the feeling of being so reluctant towards them.
origins
We all come to this world as children of light, little babies with bouncing happiness in their hearts and fearless curiosity in their eyes. Love is our natural state of feeling. It is only the matter of time and our grip on certain negative experiences that turns the beautiful face of a carefree baby into the face of a wrinkled, sad adult.
But the baby, the pure and carefree one always stays the essence of everyone. It’s just that sometimes, humans lose themselves in their fear and pain.
That is something I have always felt very strongly. Trauma, repressed emotions and wounds tend to stick like dirt to someone, masking their unique soul with blurriness. And that can be so scary and painful to watch that we turn away from the other.
But sometimes… there is this crack in the window so to speak, and a bitter person shares a rare but genuine smile. And that’s the moment you can see the soul lurking like a hidden child from underneath the dirt.
It can be a hard task, learning how to draw lines when your natural inclination is to connect with everyone. And it is hard, learning that many humans are burdened by something or may be about to hurt you any minute. But today I understand that having boundaries is both healthy and needed. There is nothing shameful about having a healthy ego.
naivety or wisdom
I have come to understand that there are many people like me, people who have come into this world and literally felt like a fluffy cloud dragged through sharp mountains. We come here with the fundamental belief that it is our duty to include everyone and anything, that we are here to serve everyone who asks us too, and we naturally expect to fall into a safe environment where we are understood and supported. We do not expect to not be welcome with this mentality, we do not expect to be used or be seen as weak. We do not expect people to see our sensitivity as signs of inferiority, a possibility to step on us for their own gain.
It’s what people tend to call “naivety” with an annoyed or ridiculing undertone, associating this state of mind with weakness and stupidity. But that doesn’t need to be the truth. If you look at it from a different perspective, we see people whose natural inclination is to believe in the good, in the trustworthiness, in the love of another. Is it really that stupid to expect the best out of one another? Isn’t it rather a sign of deep appreciation? To automatically credit someone with the honour of being a beautiful person by assuming the very best to them? Isn’t this one of the best, yet unnoticed and silent ways to show love?
But as beautiful as this mentality is, we cannot stay at this point on our path. We need to learn how to truly handle the dense energies around us, we need to learn how not to be used, how not to be taken advantage of. The”service to others” mentality lacks a tremendous amount of self-respect, well, sometimes even a fundamental lack of any kind of self.
our feelings matter
To many of us, the mission is to develop a stronger ego and say no to things we actually do not want. We often understand ourselves as servants, as people with a higher purpose that is far bigger than our individual lives, even though we might not be aware of it. But to develop a strong, healthy ego and stand up for our needs, for what we feel and what we want is the very thing that helps us to build a steady ground for us to stand on. We need to learn that we are important, too. And that our feelings matter. And that we are helping nobody if we sacrifice our authenticity in order to show a fake version of “goodness”.
So this the point- it’s okay to turn away from someone who drags you down. It’s okay to ignore someone if you feel like this connection may harm you or drain energy from you.
The others are also responsible for themselves, you know. If you want help someone learn to walk you cannot carry them all the time. You don’t need to bear everything just because you think it’s the most noble thing to do. Do not try to prove that you are worthy of love, that you are a good person by enabling toxic behaviour or betraying yourself and your needs.
love the soul, withdraw from the persona
There is no contradiction in being a loving being and choosing to withdraw and set boundaries. And also, there is nothing bad in not liking someone or staying away from people who are not good for you. Because what we usually do not like about each other is something about the others personality. That might mean that there is deception, disease, karmic patterns between both of you, repressed trauma, ect. But this is the person, not the human being. All human beings – the souls, to be clearer- do love each other. Sometimes we are just too identified with our ego persona and personal preferences to notice. By withdrawing from the personality, you are not refusing the soul.
Cognitive dissonance was what made me so vulnerable to abusive behaviour. I did not realize it back then, but I had access to both levels, soul consciousness and earthy persona, and I kept mixing them up. I felt the deep love that is shared on the other level and tried to re-enact that feeling by giving chances where no chances were to be given, by letting others treat me badly, yet immediately jumping on the bandwagon when they decided to show some human decency for once. But I learned to decipher, and I learned my lesson.
Love the soul, but set boundaries for the personality. There is no contradiction between the two. And you can never know how your boundaries might remind someone else of their own responsibility, to become active and get back on track. And after all, that is a good thing, isn’t it?
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