The other woman – Faery Soul

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So many of us women know it all to well. The moment a girl enters the room, and she seems to have or be something that we ourselves crave for. Suddenly, our inner child is triggered and we go into battle mode. We feel threatened.

This doesn’t need to end up in an open confrontation where you try to scratch out each other’s eyes, but it surely can create an atmosphere of dismissive awkwardness.

You might also experience a couple of rather unpleasant emotions rising up from your depths that make you feel angry and uncomfortable at the same time. To many of us, once we are triggered, it feels impossible to ever connect to that person again without feeling at least a little sh*tty. It’s a very confusing situation and as the mankind still needs to do its homework on how to take responsibility for their own emotions, many of us tend to lash out at the other girl. We might think something like:” I really don’t like this person, I wish she wasn’t there… I would feel so much better without her being around!”.

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In society we are constantly held down to compare ourselves to each other and categorize in better or worse – and so emotions like fear, shame and unworthiness are created. But at the same time, we are never taught how to care for ourselves if we start to feel this way – instead, these emotions can become so unbearable that we push them away. So the moment another girl triggers our own feelings of insecurity, we are actually pretty overwhelmed and helpless with how terrible we suddenly feel – so we reach for the only thing that feels at least a little bit more like we are in control: We become very resistant of the person that triggered us and look at them from a point of anger or disdain, keeping them at a distance.

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By making them the enemy, we concentrate on a different energy that distracts us from what is going on inside of us. And for some time, that feels like a relieve from this unbearable feeling of powerlessness. We feel like this person is better than us, and that we are unable to change it, so we search for ways to distract ourselves… and sometimes, these are degrading thoughts in our heads. But it never frees us from the wound that keeps nagging at us from the inside: That we feel unworthy. Like we are not as good as someone else. So we are always held captive by the emotions we don’t want to admit.

If we don’t stop right here and turn towards the pain inside of us, that’s the moment when the other woman creeps up into our brains and takes on the face of said girl who just triggered us.

The other woman is nothing like your female friends. She is a cruel, cold and malicious being that is better in everything you desire to be or do – she takes away all that you’ve fought for, she manipulates your closest friends, she lets you experience the feeling of sheer powerlessness and insignificance. She is the one to show you that no matter how much you try, you can always be replaced, forgotten and outplayed at any minute. Oh, and also, she is freaking arrogant.

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The other woman is a monster of shadows. She arises every time we are confronted with our own feeling of insignificance, with our own limiting beliefs about ourselves. She is there the minute we compare ourselves to another woman and, in the run of it, judge ourselves to be less worthy in such extreme ways that we feel unable to cope with the feeling. And even though she is not a pleasant company and nobody actually wishes to encounter her, sometimes, she might feel like a friend… because if the person who triggers us takes on the face of the other woman, it is so much easier to distract ourselves from pain.

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Instead of finding reasons why we are inferior, the other woman makes us find “valid” reasons to dislike the other person. We might project on her that she is weird, arrogant, bitchy or some other character trait that we don’t like. And as we, of course, judge ourselves to be free of such flaws, we kind of put a false self-image on top of our pain, like “Well, she might be better at (e.g.) drawing, but at least I am not an arrogant b*tch seeking attention.” (This is, of course, the most aggressive example – but it portrays the dynamic I wanted to address pretty well.)

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But most of all, the other woman is a ghost created by our imagination. Fear is what makes her seem so alive and vivid. She stands and falls with you willingness or unwillingness to embrace your pain.

I can feel her in the female collective as a big, unbearably and painful wound, a wound that makes us just so very, very vulnerable. A wound that makes us turn away from each other where there could be mutual peace or even friendship.

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The act of lashing out at someone else to distract yourself from pain may feel empowering for a short time, but in the long run, the thing that desperately needs care and attention never gets addressed: The wound inside of you.

So, why not break the pattern? Why should you be putting all of this energy to leash out against someone when you could use it to nurture and care for yourself and thus, creating what seems to be lacking on the inside, creating for yourself what you see in this other person? Wouldn’t that make a little more sense?

And what if the situation with this other girl was happening especially for you to become aware of something? Aware of what you truly desire, and how you deny yourself of embodying it? (In addition to this, I would strongly recommend for you to read this amazing article by Gigi Young on how YOU ARE WHO YOU ADMIRE!)

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I know many of us women feel this wound. And it’s the reason why so often, instead of opening up and admitting ones pain to each other, we close down and secretly judge, blocking the gifts that might come from this situation.

Yes, I actually said that. It may sound very strange to you, but from my own experiences I can tell you: Opening up from your heart to someone else and sharing your fears and insecurities from an honest and non-judgemental level can be the greatest key to resolve the problem. The reason why this may sound strange to you is because people don’t actually tend to be so courageous.

And that’s no wonder. It’s not just that we have never been taught how to handle our own unpleasant emotions, neither have we learned how to safely communicate to each other about it. If everybody knew at least some basics on non-violent communication, so many problems in human relationships (not only romantic ones) would disappear.

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And yes, in many cases, you might not be able to open up to another person about how they make you feel because they would have no idea how to handle your openness. But in many other cases, the opposite could happen. It always depends on how self-reflective you and the other person are and how good you are at communicating and expressing yourself. In any case, everybody included should genuinely be open to try it, because that is the only way for it to work. You also need to trust your gut instincts and your intuitive side a lot to measure whether or not stepping forward is the right choice and won’t scare the other person off completely.

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But what I have experienced throughout my journey is that very often, the other girl whose appearance made me experience so much fear, had felt the exact same way – unworthy, a little threatened, triggered, uncertain, but with the distinct feeling that there must be another solution to the problem than throwing secret glares of envy. So when we opened up to each other, we found that we actually liked each other a whole lot, and that, when we left our emotional baggage to the side for a minute, we actually admired the other and wanted to support and learn from each other. That was such a relief! The awkward energy around us started to vanish and the more we got to know each other, the more powerful the connection became.

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So, very often, if we open up to another person, we can be sure that she knows our pain, she knows the fear of not being good enough, she knows what it’s like to have been replaced by someone else. In fact, almost all of us know it – and because it’s so unbearable to carry this wound alone, we have found our coping strategies. May it be the act of forming certain groups that look down on other groups, may it be through gossip, may it be through closing down and not letting other females get close to you. Add your own points to the list.

What we all want is to feel safe, to feel understood, to feel loved. Antagonism might be a little fun from time to time, but in the long run, it’s neither healthy nor making us happy. The moment you sit down with this other girl that triggered you and openly talk with her about how you feel – no judgements, no accusations, just simply sharing ones fears and pains and worries – you will create a new form of connection. You will start to feel and understand each other. You will see that nobody means any harm. That’s the moment when you start to carry this unbearable wound together-and thus, automatically resolving it. We can call this act the opening of the heart.

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That’s the minute when the other woman falls to the ground like a lifeless puppet. Because she can only live in the wide gap of foreignness, where our minds can project our worst fears on a stranger.

I had several experiences where my openness about my insecurities had the power to turn what used to be awkward and dismissive from both sides into very beautiful friendships. I was really lucky to find some courageous women that prefered connection over fear – and I also found women that couldn’t handle my openness and withdrew. And that’s okay, as there is always both in life.

Because that doesn’t mean, of course, that a silent form of antagonism has to turn into friendship in all cases, but I believe it is always a healthy step to help yourself heal. I have experienced that the turning towards each other thing is great tool to help myself getting in touch with my feelings in a loving way and helping me understand what makes me a unique human being. The moment you open your heart to each other, you make a step towards letting love into your life – and that, again, reminds you of your origin as a divine being, which is the embodiment of purpose, beauty and your very special uniqueness that nobody can take away from you.

We have experienced us turning on each other for generations – gossiping and backstabbing for no other reason than one: The fear of the other woman. But when we start to open up about our feelings and find the courage to bridge the gap between us, that’s the moment when the Sacred Sisterhood starts to re-emerge from the other womans ashes – a new path we might walk with open hearts and the knowledge that we can fall to each other in trust and safety, and that we will, finally, no longer make others jealous, but empower each other with our gifts.

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